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uuggghhh do I have to do this? - On the Other Side of the Earth

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September 4th, 2008

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03:28 pm - uuggghhh do I have to do this?
I am feeling impressively despondent. I suppose from a observers point of view this is because I am really tired adjusting to a whole lot of change and going off of hormonal birth control for the first time in 6 years. All these things lead me feeling a mix of numb angry and sad. I am hoping it will pass.

The things that ill not pass however are Umass and my pressing need, despite lack of desire, to finish my undergraduate degree. Lying on the acupuncturists table the other day I had to actually face that what my tarot reader years ago had told me was true, Umass has gotten me off track. Though I suppose that isn't true in these sense that had I never come here I would never have been who I am today, who never have met the people I met ect. Now as me, with those people I would like to march off in the direction I had intended. The only thing is now I need to finish.

I hate being here. I feel like I'm in a cage and by the end of the day I want to cry. I realize and appreciate the value of an education, and after traveling this summer know what a privilege it is that I as a woman can even get a degree. But that does not change the fact that I am here because my mother wants me to be and would not be otherwise. This is not me and only serves to confuse me.

Being here makes me feel alienated from myself from those I love and from what I want to do.

I miss summer already. Though being in my own space is nice and had I been in a dorm this would all be so much worse. The fact that the house in Leverett is currently sitting unoccupied makes me sad.

Hafiz for one is glad to eb out of it, I think it had too many memories for him and he seems more relaxed now.
I realized that I was who I was all along, but until he came along I never really was able to be that person. He is the eggs in my cookie batter, he holds it all together. Its subtle. Its, in comparison to my last relationship, calm. Though it is deeper than anything I have ever been in before and I can't help but feel like I am home when I am with him.

Classes are classes and history is intellectual as always. I need to start doing yoga.

Took a job at the D.C to hold me over so I can still pay the rent while I search for something more to my liking/needs/ect.

Hope your semesters/falls all are off to a more upbeat start. Though feeling down seems to be in the air.

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